With the holidays approaching our thoughts are turning to nights in front of the fire with our loved ones, twinkling lights and laughter filling the room, adults sipping mulled wine while the children play excitedly with their new eco-friendly toy which they’re extremely grateful for. Ha! The reality for most of us is Christmas24 on marathon, several arguments a day and plastic beeping toys discarded in favour of wrapping paper. And along with this rather more real family picture if you’re a new parent or one going through a challenging situation you might be feeling anxious over the public parenting you’ll be doing over the season.
In a truth universally acknowledged by every single parent that has ever existed, you will be given unsolicited advice from the moment your pregnancy becomes public knowledge. While this is often easy to ignore when it’s a stranger in your local supermarket telling you to start giving rusks to your 3 week old, it’s a lot more difficult when it comes from somebody you love and whose heart you know is in the right place. Dealing with the ‘helpful’ advice can be difficult enough but the added anxiety that can build in anticipation of the interference can set even the most confident parent’s nerves on edge. So here’s your guide to navigating the tricky dynamics whilst maintaining your authenticity as a parent and avoiding a family drama that would rival the great GravyGate of 1998™.
Pick your battles
It helps to think ahead and if you don’t want to spend all your time sniping at your Great Aunt Beryl then working out in advance what you’re willing to let slide is a great tool. Knowing that you’ll allow the sugar content to rise but bedtimes will remain steadfastly the same, or that you’ll let your minimum two vegetables per meal requirement go but you won’t enter into any discussion about how yes you’re still breastfeeding your 8 month old and have no plans to stop thank you very much will do wonders for your mental health. Pre-planning the areas that you’ll concede will keep your blood pressure stable and has the added bonus of allowing people to think they’re getting their own way, at least sometimes.
Enlist an ally
A problem shared is a problem relative that doesn’t get both barrels over the turkey for pushing you right over the brink. Having someone who can step in to distract and deflect a conversation or who can reaffirm your stance is invaluable. This ally might not be who you’d expect; look for someone who allows what’s happening to wash over them – a genial personality or a predilection for gin is ideal.
Have an escape plan
Sometimes biting your tongue proves too much and you just need space before you explode. Whether you conjure up a forgotten item that’s desperately needed from a shop at least 45 minutes away, a catch-up with a friend who you only have one more opportunity to see before they leave for Timbukto, or a child who suddenly and unexplainably will only have their nap while being driven round the outskirts of your town, some time on your own away from the source of contention will do you wonders. Plus you’ll get to scroll through Facebook and eat rustled After Eights without interruption.
Practice your defence
Freedom of speech might exist but that doesn’t put you under any obligation to listen, let alone act, on what’s being said. Especially if that advice goes against your principles or is so old-fashioned it’s downright dangerous. Unfortunately much advice that’s given to parents by well-meaning individuals comes from what they did when they were raising their young folk; early weaning, dipping dummies in anything let alone whisky, leaving them to cry, feeding them on a four-hourly schedule, creating a rod for your own back are all things older generations like to trot out and are all things which are unequivocally, backed-up-by-science wrong. If a dignified silence is too much to ask have a couple of stock phrases that you can resort to. “Thanks for the advice, that doesn’t work for us”, “We’ve researched our methods and this is what we believe is right for our family”, “We don’t believe that’s going to work for us” all work and the slightly ruder but definitely final word is “You’re not the parent so butt out, buttinski”. Practice makes perfect!
If all else fails, remember you are your child’s advocate.
Often when we attend family gatherings we revert back to the dynamics that existed in our own childhoods, making it hard to speak up or against the adultier adult. But your child knows only you as the ultimate authority in their life and sometimes that must give us the strength to act in their best interests. That could mean speaking loudly and insistently that yes even a little bit of milk will hurt your CMPA child, or stepping in when Granny insists that your unwilling child simply must kiss her goodbye when you’re trying to teach the concept of consent from an early age. Some things transcend politeness and will help shape your child’s identity so let this give you strength when dealing with tricky situations.
Time with family is the greatest gift over the holiday season, along with liebkuchen and pigs in blankets, but it’s rarely as idyllic as our favourite Christmas films would have us believe. Stay calm, prepare in advance and if all else fails dive right into the bottle of Irish cream lurking at the back of the cupboard. Good luck!
